Sorry
by Suddenwonder
Summary: I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t enough...When you really were more then I could take. JS Yaoi Jous POV


Title: Sorry

Warnings: None

Summary: You can say sorry a million times to that one person, but until you come to your understanding you'll keep moving in a different direction until it's too late. J/S Yaoi

Well this song inspired me it was called sorry coincidently. Sorry if it is bad editing this was done late at night and I already finished my coffee.

So enjoy my sad midnight banter.

Dear Seto,

I'm beginning to wonder what went wrong.

How we could've changed things between us, or made certain sacrifices we both would've lived with.

And then maybe things wouldn't have gotten out of hand like they did.

Sometimes I sit in my bed wondering if the choices I made really were that justified, and when you starting crying I knew they weren't.

It was the first real emotion I caught you showing.

The hardest thing I ever had to see but the one thing I so desperately thrived for in our relationship.

I know this isn't any real introduction as to why so suddenly I'm writing to you. I suppose its out of boredom, realisation and hope. Not so much boredom I'm beginning to think but as something constructive to do in the time being.

Does your heart ever twist when you think of the past trying to reminiscence about something you can't quite put your finger on? Well that's how it is right now, I mean I'm sitting on a plane and trying to remember the joke you told me before we began dating.

It was so funny I had tears in my eyes.

It was the first and last actual joke you made without me saying something stupid that you could feed off of.

It was something about the mile high club- I'll add it in when I remember the beginning and not just the climax.

Sorry… the plane had turbulence.

Wow I just apologized to you through a letter because of time delay.

I suppose you're used to my apologizing considering how much fighting we did, don't worry the feeling is mutual.

But you never really forgave me did you?

That feeling isn't mutual I was just too stubborn to admit you never did anything wrong and it was I who I hadn't forgiven.

I guess now that were on the topic of sorry ness and forgiveness I have to ask even if I know you may never respond.

Did you really hate me when I left, like actually stop loving me or was it because you were mad beyond belief that I was too oblivious to see that I had done anything wrong.

Because now I know I did.

I really did.

Sorry about the rips and tears.

I forgot about the letter after I got off the plane.

It went through the wash once but nothing smudged, I'd rewrite it if I felt I could pour the same compassion and intensity I did the first time around. Unless it had that this would feel like schoolwork when the teacher made you do a good copy.

Personally I enjoy the rough edges in life; everything seems more real and not perfect. I hate when things are perfect because then you're not really happy when the best things come your way.

Because you already have everything you could ever want.

And that's what really appealed you to me, not because of your money or your looks (no that your looks were bad they were gorgeous). It was for the reason that even with all your wealth and class you had reasons to be unhappy.

So that when I came along I could undo that and have purpose in your life.

Even when I brought along my own many skeletons and added new ones to the pile along the way.

So I'm sorry for that too.

Now not to give you satisfaction or have my intense vulnerability to be any factor in this confession but let me tell you this:

I miss you.

A lot.

Almost more then I can bear.

Sorry if this pen mixes with the blue ink, I'm in a cab… actually I wouldn't really care much. My confession from earlier is still driving me crazy.

I regret saying it- well writing it.

You know Yugi really says it would be good for the both of us if I get my feelings to you through any sort of communication.

But you know how I hate rejection.

Well of course you do.

You handled me so well.

…I am smelling the hotel room.

I space (just in case I white out a certain paragraph) the scent of your cologne it gave wherever we went a homely feeling that you knew I needed.

I get homesick so much.

It's ironic of course that I went into a profession that makes travelling seem like a walk in the park.

Mind you I'm only 22, I could change my occupation at any given time and no one would care because I'm young and have the rest of my life to make mistakes.

Ah mistakes how I took the repercussions for granted and let you become a victim to my ignorance.

So I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry for making you feel like you weren't enough.

When you really were more then I could take.

Oh drunken laughter outside the hotel room after midnight… how I heard yours so many times on the way home from a social or the bar.

You told me hilarious stories from your childhood the ones that hadn't been filled with lashing out or revenge. Pure innocent fun that filled your voice hiccups at the end of each sentence.

It was the few times I felt welcomed in your past so that I could understand your future.

I know now I never figured you out, or if I did I would have stopped… you know… and would have stopped thinking that my own revenge tactic was effective and was only hurting you.

But you know it hurt me too.

You hurt me too.

Sorry I smudged the ink.

Wow if you look at it, it can almost be considered a bird.

I remember you told me you liked doves and bought yourself one saying it was from an admirer when you didn't want me to find out about your effeminate side.

Mokuba told me.

Don't be mad at him.

He hasn't forgiven me yet either.

I hate when you toss and turn and can't get to sleep on time.

Then you miss the entire morning of your day and everything you do is 3 hours behind.

You said I had a nice behind.

I always welcomed your compliments they were the one thing I loved when we talked. You made me feel like the only other person in the room.

Although most of the time I was.

I'm going to say sorry that I never returned the favour.

Because sometimes you weren't.

It was only me.

So when you get this…

Sorry for ending it now, my inflexible brain is back from holidays.

Write back to me.

And maybe something along the lines of dinner.

I miss you.

Jou

Dear Seto,

I know what I said in my last letter so don't put words in my mouth that weren't there.

I never said "We should get back together", I said dinner it was clearly written because I remember I didn't want to apologize for what I should have!

Though I probably should have.

Then maybe you would want to see me again and start calling me mutt and puppy instead of the other vile names you decided to describe me.

But you have to know, we both caused the end of the relationship- I just ignited the fire. It's your fault almost as much as mine, but I would never say I hate you.

Because I won't.

And because I can't.

So don't say it's over and this may sound like a last desperate plea but I love you. I said it before and I'll never take it back.

It's impossible for me to lie to you in any way.

Okay that was hypocritical to say, so let me rephrase that.

It's impossible for me after all we've been through to lie to you now in any way.

And that's the truth.

I'm smoking pot.

Sorry if you've outgrown that habit when you're stressed but this calms me down immensely.

And is probably why I'm thinking clearer.

For one I'm rereading your letter for possible double meanings or loopholes.

And I found one.

You said you couldn't love me- that's not hate! I confused myself but just when happiness is beginning to suffice I reread that line again and realize it says you couldn't love me.

Why not?

But that isn't won't, so you could if you wanted to.

Please (another desperate plea that doesn't even make sense) I'll do anything- I'll change for you in anyway.

But now I see your reaction to my reaction.

'Don't sacrifice what you cannot do.'

Or something wismatic along those lines. (Wismatic: something wise that you say)

Wow I put this off for so long, the reason being you never asked although I assumed you probably knew and we avoided the topic in our discreet conversations.

But this is the first time you ever asked me.

And this is the first time I don't know what to say.

Alright, the reason, obviously was because you weren't there. Making it your fault but it never occurred to you I had no intention of it being your fault.

I am a weak person when it came to our relationship; we smashed down each others walls and hid the blocks away so we could never rebuild what was once there.

And somehow we did the same things to our relationship.

He who I won't name but I know you know who it is came over for some innocent conversation. He was smooth talking and I fell for his instant flattery. He had this manipulative way of getting at the string that makes you believe what your doing is right and I let him play them so easily.

And it isn't his fault either, mostly mine and vodka.

Yes alcohol was involved, and no not the many times afterwards.

So I'm sorry I can't blame intoxication for the fact that I cheated on you multiple times.

I hate myself.

For believing what I was doing was right, tactful and avenged my loneliness when you weren't there. You made me a liability with people because you left on business trips and wouldn't let me come along.

So that is another thing I hated about myself, because I believed you were cheating too. And that's such a horrible thing because you were so honest with me. True and stuck to every word you said.

The only thing you mess up on was leaving me alone with my thoughts for too long. My suspicions were able to form conclusions and my retributions were able to formulate plans.

So there is my apology.

Laid out with the truth.

But what I' am most sorry for is that fact I kept it from you when you first asked and said we could work through it.

Sorry for watching you pretend like you were ok and not showing any compassion.

Sorry for letting you give me those things that I wouldn't return with sincerity.

And sorry for letting you walk out when what I should've done was hold on and confess everything and let you yell and curse at me till the tears subsided and we could work together to be together.

So there, you should be happy or satisfied.

And I'm ok if you never want to talk again.

Jou

P.S Actually I'm not

P.S.S I remember the joke, it wasn't that funny

P.S.S.S It still makes me cry though…

Dear Yugi,

You know I felt like suicide really, but don't start calling a therapist and the ambulance I'm not sitting in a pool of my own blood.

That's how I felt.

It has been almost half a year and I hadn't heard anything from Kaiba. I suspected he was in the mood (being that mood for eternity) in never wanting to speak to me again.

I'm too stubborn to write again, partially because I poured my heart out in the other letter and that was just an incredible weight lifted off my shoulders so I had nothing left to say.

And well being I was already desperate enough in the other letter too.

So it was my surprises when I got home from that trip to Madrid… you know- I told you about those paintings.

Well I was unpacking and the rain started pouring like crazy, I mean thundering… well you know- we live in the same city!

My apartment had three windows smashed in.

But back to my story, when the thunder died down a bit it was only big rain droplets that felt soft cold yet wonderful against your skin. (Anzu and her poetry).

Well I heard my name and I thought it was Honda- I wondered what the hell is he doing here?

But to my bittersweet surprise it was Seto. Drenched and just standing there looking, thinking and I wondered how long he'd been standing there pondering on whether to call out my name.

I didn't let him acknowledge, but I didn't open my door and let me tell you the rest is just recollection because this all felt like a blur.

The stairs seemed steeper and longer the hallways seemed cramped and the air was filled with humidity because of lack of air conditioning, but when I reached the main foyer and looked out the window glass doors.

There was no air in the room.

So in desperation for air my hands grabbed both handles on each door and threw them open and I knew the only breath I wanted to breath was his.

And he knew what I needed.

He always did Yugi.

He kissed me, on the mouth.

Smouldering lip lock, nothing like I ever experienced with he who should never be named or mentioned although he'll always be in our lives.

No this kind of intensity was unimaginable.

So here I am now.

Remember this is all a blur even the sex was a blur.

But the kind if asked with detail you could describe every word said.

The room is musty now and he sleeps peacefully beside me, I don't know why I wrote you this letter, because really I could just call you.

Hopefully we can work things out (we: being Seto and I). And maybe this is just a spur of the moment thing, something to really say goodbye.

But whatever happens, I know I could never forget this.

I love him.

With friend-love

Jou

P.S I'm sorry but I told you the wrong plane joke I was thinking of the one he who is a manipulative life ruiner but made me see things for what they were told me

Reviews are welcomed.

A little ending note, it always seems Kaiba is in the wrong so I made Jou the culprit a little twist for my writing.


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